We decided to grow our family and after having a positive pregnancy test, I headed in to the doctor. At our doctor's office, they routinely use ultrasound to confirm prenancy at the first appointment. And so at this first appointment I was lying on the ultrasound table as the tech had her look around at whatever it is they look at to make sure everything was in order. I watched the screen trying to determine what she was seeing when she asked, "What do you see?" And I said, "Two blobs." To which she replied by nodding her head meaningfully. That is when I first began to understand the significance of those two blobs and I asked, "Are there two in there?" And she said yes. That is how I found out I was having twins.
And that is when my mind started to spin. I suppose everyone reacts differently, but I found myself pleasantly surprised. I have twin sisters and think it will be fun to have twins of my own. It is something that makes them special and gives them a built in companion and friend (most of the time). I was excited and a bit aprehensive about telling Eric, but when I finally got home and told him, he was also excited. Since then the realities and difficulties of having twins has sunk in more fully and we have felt a range of emotions over different concerns. Our kind and helpful family and friends have helped us gather more baby items and we began to be prepared (or as prepared as you can be) to have twins.
Because of the higher medical risks associated with having twins, I have had an ultrasound at nearly every appointment. At about 20 weeks we had the big ultrasound where they check all the baby parts and make sure they are growing like they should be. They can check on all sorts of things at this ultrasound and often find many genetic defects that used to only be found at birth. Our ultrasound went well and we left with beautiful pictures of both babies. We also found out the babies' gender. Both girls!
They were unable to some of the anatomy they wanted to see at this ultrasound because of a combination of factors including baby position and two sets of baby parts all together in one small space. So some items were left to be reexamined another day.
At my next ultrasound it was somehow overlooked so it wasn't until 26 weeks that the ultrasound tech again looked for the certain anatomical features of the babies. She seems to be having problems getting pictures of "Baby B"s heart that she was satisfied with. The doctor expressed concern over this and told me that he would likely refer my to Maternal Fetal Medicine (the high-risk clinic) to take a look. At this point I thought the problem was just getting a good image, I wasn't aware of any other concern the doctor had.
So a week later I had an ultrasound at Maternal Fetal Medicine where again they looked at the heart over and over but never seemed satisfied with the images. Finally a doctor came in to have a look and after looking for some time said he would be sending me to have a fetal echo done (a more advanced ultrasound of the heart) by the pediatric cardiologist. He explained that they would be more specialized and be able to tell us exactly what is going on. Still noone had said out loud that there was a problem. My mom was with me and she asked him directly what he was seeing and what he could tell us about what he was seeing. It was then that he mentioned a "defect" in the heart. He showed us on the ultrasound where we could see that the right ventricle was significantly smaller than the left and that the wall between the two ventricles seemed to be incomplete. And that is when it started to seem that I had lost my foothold in the world somehow and was tumbling in uncertainly.
Fortunately, they were able to send me directly over to have the echo and meet with a pediatric cardiologist at St. Lukes. I updated Eric on our findings and invited him to come down and join my mom, Carolyn, and I at the hospital. He did come for the echo and was able to meet with the cardiologist with us. In the end we found out that "Baby B" has Tricuspid Atresia. This means that the tricuspid valve, which would normally link the right atrium to the right ventricle is missing. This had caused the right ventricle to form incorrectly and a large hole to form between the right and left ventricle. In short, while most of us have 2 ventricles pumping blood to our lungs and our body, my baby has only 1. It doesn't affect her now because she doesn't breathe yet, but when she is born, the red and blue blood will mix in her heart and she will be was used to be known as a "blue baby." She will be sending blood that is not fully oxygenated through her body. While this is a serious problem, the medical community has a well-established set treatments and surgeries that will allow her to get to a point where she can live a basically normal life. Boston Children's Hospital has a good article on it including pictures for anyone who is interested. Our baby will have her surgeries in Salt Lake City, Utah at Primary Children's Medical Center.
This kind of news can really knock a person off their feet and I was no exception. While speaking with the cardiologist it was all facts and figuring out what he was talking about, but after returning home and having time to think on it, I found myself very emotional. I didn't want my baby to be sick, let alone need open heart surgery in the first months of her life. I wanted to bring home two healthy girls to their loving family. I had imagined that the hard part of having these twin girls would be managing to feed them and getting them to sleep. I imagined being so tired and hauling myself out of bed at night to tend to their needs. All of the sudden I longed for that to be reality instead of the new one I was facing. It was a difficult and emotional time. I wanted to learn all I could but couldn't stand to read more than a small bit before I would burst into tears. I would tear up at the sight of a healthy baby. In retrospect, I think it was a period of mourning. I still love and look forward to holding my baby girl, but I am coming to terms with the fact that her life will be far different from what I imagined even from the very start. I know that she will be fine and that we will be fine. If I learned nothing else from Eric's deployment in Iraq, I learned that we can handle any difficult time one day and one small step at a time. Still, I think it's okay to be sad sometimes.
I am becoming more prayerful and learning to rely on faith in and hope through my Savior Jesus Christ. I feel I am still in need of much growth and stretching and I've no doubt that the experiences of the next several years will work toward that end. I am very grateful for the faith and prayers in our behalf from many family members and friends. I know that our Heavenly Father is mindful of us and am grateful for that knowledge.
We are going to name our babies Sarah and Samantha. We invite your prayers in behalf of little Samantha and our family. We will be using our blog to keep friends and family updated as things progress so keep watching for updates. Thank you to you all for your loving support.
Because of the higher medical risks associated with having twins, I have had an ultrasound at nearly every appointment. At about 20 weeks we had the big ultrasound where they check all the baby parts and make sure they are growing like they should be. They can check on all sorts of things at this ultrasound and often find many genetic defects that used to only be found at birth. Our ultrasound went well and we left with beautiful pictures of both babies. We also found out the babies' gender. Both girls!
At my next ultrasound it was somehow overlooked so it wasn't until 26 weeks that the ultrasound tech again looked for the certain anatomical features of the babies. She seems to be having problems getting pictures of "Baby B"s heart that she was satisfied with. The doctor expressed concern over this and told me that he would likely refer my to Maternal Fetal Medicine (the high-risk clinic) to take a look. At this point I thought the problem was just getting a good image, I wasn't aware of any other concern the doctor had.
So a week later I had an ultrasound at Maternal Fetal Medicine where again they looked at the heart over and over but never seemed satisfied with the images. Finally a doctor came in to have a look and after looking for some time said he would be sending me to have a fetal echo done (a more advanced ultrasound of the heart) by the pediatric cardiologist. He explained that they would be more specialized and be able to tell us exactly what is going on. Still noone had said out loud that there was a problem. My mom was with me and she asked him directly what he was seeing and what he could tell us about what he was seeing. It was then that he mentioned a "defect" in the heart. He showed us on the ultrasound where we could see that the right ventricle was significantly smaller than the left and that the wall between the two ventricles seemed to be incomplete. And that is when it started to seem that I had lost my foothold in the world somehow and was tumbling in uncertainly.
Fortunately, they were able to send me directly over to have the echo and meet with a pediatric cardiologist at St. Lukes. I updated Eric on our findings and invited him to come down and join my mom, Carolyn, and I at the hospital. He did come for the echo and was able to meet with the cardiologist with us. In the end we found out that "Baby B" has Tricuspid Atresia. This means that the tricuspid valve, which would normally link the right atrium to the right ventricle is missing. This had caused the right ventricle to form incorrectly and a large hole to form between the right and left ventricle. In short, while most of us have 2 ventricles pumping blood to our lungs and our body, my baby has only 1. It doesn't affect her now because she doesn't breathe yet, but when she is born, the red and blue blood will mix in her heart and she will be was used to be known as a "blue baby." She will be sending blood that is not fully oxygenated through her body. While this is a serious problem, the medical community has a well-established set treatments and surgeries that will allow her to get to a point where she can live a basically normal life. Boston Children's Hospital has a good article on it including pictures for anyone who is interested. Our baby will have her surgeries in Salt Lake City, Utah at Primary Children's Medical Center.
This kind of news can really knock a person off their feet and I was no exception. While speaking with the cardiologist it was all facts and figuring out what he was talking about, but after returning home and having time to think on it, I found myself very emotional. I didn't want my baby to be sick, let alone need open heart surgery in the first months of her life. I wanted to bring home two healthy girls to their loving family. I had imagined that the hard part of having these twin girls would be managing to feed them and getting them to sleep. I imagined being so tired and hauling myself out of bed at night to tend to their needs. All of the sudden I longed for that to be reality instead of the new one I was facing. It was a difficult and emotional time. I wanted to learn all I could but couldn't stand to read more than a small bit before I would burst into tears. I would tear up at the sight of a healthy baby. In retrospect, I think it was a period of mourning. I still love and look forward to holding my baby girl, but I am coming to terms with the fact that her life will be far different from what I imagined even from the very start. I know that she will be fine and that we will be fine. If I learned nothing else from Eric's deployment in Iraq, I learned that we can handle any difficult time one day and one small step at a time. Still, I think it's okay to be sad sometimes.
I am becoming more prayerful and learning to rely on faith in and hope through my Savior Jesus Christ. I feel I am still in need of much growth and stretching and I've no doubt that the experiences of the next several years will work toward that end. I am very grateful for the faith and prayers in our behalf from many family members and friends. I know that our Heavenly Father is mindful of us and am grateful for that knowledge.
We are going to name our babies Sarah and Samantha. We invite your prayers in behalf of little Samantha and our family. We will be using our blog to keep friends and family updated as things progress so keep watching for updates. Thank you to you all for your loving support.
3 comments:
Of course it is ok to be sad! I am glad you are able to experience the full range of emotions as hard as they are. It is healthy. Your whole family is in our prayers. I hope that we can be of service while you are down here for the surgery!
We will keep your family in our prayers. When you are in SLC I would love to come see you and if you need anything please let me know.
Oh Sarita and Eric! I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. You guys are in our prayers! We hope you feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost with you always! If you ever need anything while you are in SLC please don't hesitate to call! 385-227-5166. We sure love you guys!
-Monica
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